This is about a political figure, but it is not about politics.
As you no doubt know, not too long ago a politically influential young man was gunned down at a public event. I won't say who because this isn’t really about him, but let's just say I've had a lot of people since then ask if we're related (we're not).
But this is about his widow. Her husband was unexpectedly killed, leaving two very young children. A few days later, there was a public funeral service, and she made a moving speech. A few weeks after that, she took over his podcast. And in some of the pictures from those events, she was smiling.
There were any number of online trolls suggesting that it was highly inappropriate for her to be smiling, let alone appearing on her late husband's podcast. There were also a lot of people answering back, pointing out that people grieve in different ways and the trolls ought to back off.
I've heard enough from internet trolls to know that they probably have a variety of motivations in this case. Some of them were clearly fishing for a conspiracy theory to latch on to. Some were probably just looking to generate angry responses to their posts, since lots of responses means they get noticed. But I suspect some of them simply had never been in a similar position and honestly didn't know any better.
Grieving is a strange process. People do indeed grieve in different ways. Some people sob uncontrollably. Some show little outward emotion but feel it deeply. Some lie in bed all day. Some go out and get drunk and start a fight. But no matter how you grieve, it isn’t a consistent process. You aren't in a state of obvious sadness all day, every day, for a long time. You get up the next day and make breakfast, arrange a funeral, talk to others who knew your loved one, get the kids off to school, go to work. You live your life.
And sometimes you laugh or smile. That's a little bit of relief during the grieving process.
Yes, sometimes you're in a fog. Or you break down crying. Or you rage. Depending on your nature, that can also be a necessary part of the process.
The biggest problem I have with this criticism isn’t the effect on this one young woman; I expect she has enough supportive people around to counteract it. My concern is that it makes other people feel guilty if they smile, or laugh, or cook dinner, or do just about anything else besides sit and weep during the mourning period. That’s unfair to everybody in that situation.
I want to end this by bringing up something I wrote about quite some years ago. I had cracked some ribs. On a follow-up visit to the chiropractor, I complained that I was still periodically feeling pain just as intense as when I was first injured. The chiropractor told me something I'll never forget. He said “Yeah, you're going to reach for something, or turn a certain way, and you’ll suddenly feel a twinge of pain, and it will feel just as painful as it did when you were first injured. But it's going to happen less and less often, and eventually you will realize that it hasn't been happening anymore.”
I think that's a pretty good metaphor for the grieving process. I do understand that the pain of losing a spouse will probably never go away completely. But hopefully it will pain you less and less as time goes by.
In the meantime, smile whenever you can and don't let the critics—or the trolls —stop you.
Kenneth Kirk is an Anchorage estate planning attorney. Nothing in this article should be taken as legal advice for a specific situation; for specific advice you should consult a professional who can take all the facts into account. Requiescat in Pace.
