What do we owe our Elders? What do they owe us? I have been thinking about this after a visit with my mom, who is 90 and in need of round-the-clock care.
There are no easy answers to this question.
Because I can’t be with her or with my aging aunts and uncles every day, I try to reach out as much as I can. During the pandemic, one of my cousins established a family Zoom meeting. We’ve had it for six years, every Sunday with few exceptions. The conversations have changed as my mother can no longer participate, but I hear how she’s doing from family members who live with her. It gives us a chance to see and hear each other on a regular basis, finding out what relatives are up to who are not on the call.
For example, a recent conversation centered around the World Cup. Clearly, one of my uncles was far more knowledgeable about the history of national teams than either my brother or me and could recall where he was when he watched certain games with his father, my grandfather. My aunts felt momentarily left out, but that’s how we feel when the conversation veers to current events and politicians where they live. I try to remember that each family member deserves time to explain what’s happening in their life.
What’s important is checking in, making sure the generation that preceded us feels cared for and appreciated. It also helps us know how family members are doing. Are they more forgetful? Are they finding it harder to communicate their point of view? How can we make them feel heard? How can we make ourselves feel heard in return?
I also try to remember this when I talk to people as part of my job as editor. Older people are often ignored. Their voices diminish, sometimes their ability to impart their wishes ebb, and sometimes they are at the whim of those around them because they can no longer care for themselves. If I can just put my work down and really look into someone’s face, really pay attention, that’s a gift.
I want to share a beautiful story that Quinn White told about conversations with her grandmother, which gets to this idea. It’s an audio story that was produced by Alaska Teen Media Institute, a wonderful nonprofit organization in Anchorage than helps train adolescents in media production. Quinn is back in Alaska, working in Nome now, but she produced this story when she was studying in the Lower 48 in 2022. The piece, which is called “Missed Call from Grammie,” is worth a listen.
