Learning how to manage our responses can help us manage emotionally charged situations.
Q: How can I respond calmly to my adult child when they say something disrespectful or upsetting, instead of reacting with hurtful words?
A: In times of high emotional volatility, an immediate verbal response often feels like the most instinctive approach. A strong reaction can occur with an adult child, but also a sibling, caregiver, medical professional, friend, frontline employee or co-worker.
The STOP Method provides a framework for responding thoughtfully rather than clapping back instinctively. Consider applying this simple acronym to interrupt an automatic reaction and regain control in the moment:
1. S - Stop: Pause for a moment before responding. Taking a breath and creating space helps prevent impulsive reactions.
2. T - Think: Consider the situation carefully. Reflect on the facts, the potential outcomes and your emotions. Ask yourself what the best response would be in this context.
3. O - Observe: Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Notice the physical sensations in your body that may be influencing your immediate reaction. Consider how others might be affected by your response.
4. P - Proceed: After stopping, thinking, and observing, respond in a deliberate manner. Choose a course of action that aligns with your values and the desired outcome.
By following the STOP Method, you can transform a knee-jerk reaction into a more thoughtful and effective response.
Why does this work?
Neuroscience provides several insights that support using the STOP Method in responding to life disruptions:
1. When faced with stress or crisis, the brain's emotional center, often triggers a fight-or-flight response. This can lead to impulsive reactions. By stopping to pause, we allow the area responsible for rational thinking and decision-making to engage, which helps in managing emotional responses.
2. Heightened verbal interactions can spike cortisol levels, leading to heightened anxiety and clouded judgment. Taking a moment to stop can help regulate the stress response, allowing the brain to return to a more balanced state before making decisions.
3. Engaging in mindfulness practices, which the STOP Method incorporates, has been shown to create positive changes in brain structure and function. Regularly practicing mindfulness can enhance emotional regulation and improve decision-making capabilities.
4. The STOP Method encourages activating the brain's functions which help individuals plan, focus, and make decisions. By critically observing our thoughts and emotions, we can strengthen these cognitive processes over time.
5. Thinking about the situation with perspective-taking, activates areas of the brain associated with empathy. This leads to more constructive interactions and decisions that take into account the feelings of others involved, even if you do not immediately agree with what they said.
How to respond
Travis Bradberry, an emotional-intelligence expert, has created thoughtful responses to use for obtaining more information from the other person, asking why they said what they did, or stating you are not ready to talk about this subject right now.
10 sentences to use when under pressure:
I need a minute to think this through.
Help me understand your perspective.
OK, can you tell me more?
I notice I'm feeling reactive right now.
Let's take a pause and come back to this.
Can we explore other options together?
I'm not ready to decide yet.
What am I missing here?
Let me think about that and get back to you.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
In summary, incorporating the STOP Method leverages our understanding of the human brain and emotional regulation, enabling us to respond more thoughtfully to disrespectful words rather than reacting impulsively.
As a resilience strategist Karen Casanovas guides individuals to move from shock and distress to stability and forward motion after a life-altering event. Her framework addresses the immediate aftermath of disruption-when everything changes and people do not know what to do next. If you have questions write to her at info@karencasanovas.com.
