Q: Coming back home after visiting my mom opened my eyes to the various challenges that older individuals face- challenges I had not fully recognized before. I've also noticed growing strain in our relationship as she ages. How can I improve our communication, especially when I need to discuss concerning behaviors?
A: I appreciate you sharing your reflections after a visit with your mother. It is natural to feel a sense of concern as we navigate the complexities that come with aging and changing dynamics in our relationships. Open communication is key, and, approaching these conversations with care can make a world of difference.
Understanding the behavior: A first step
Start by taking a closer look at the context of the behavior. Does it happen after specific events or at predictable times of day? Is it more likely when particular people are around or when certain topics come up? Is there recurring visual or auditory stimulation? Identifying patterns can help guide your response.
Next, observe whether the behavior is consistent in those settings. For example, does your mom always raise her voice? Does she cope by drinking alcohol, or withdraw emotionally, or appear agitated when specific situations arise? What insights can you gather from these repetitious acts?
Then, consider the aftermath. If she lashes out at a caregiver and they leave the room, that sequence of actions might unintentionally reinforce the behavior. Understanding this chain of events gives you a foundation for a thoughtful discussion with your mom about what may be causing the behavior and what the consequences are surrounding that behavior.
The ABC model of behavior
This approach follows the ABC Model-Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence:
Antecedent: What happens before the behavior
Behavior: The observed action or response
Consequence: What happens after the behavior
This model helps form a hypothesis about why a behavior occurs. It is a tool used to understand and change negative thought patterns and behaviors by examining the relationships between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. However, it has limits. Emotional history, trauma, medical conditions, or simply limited data can complicate your ability to fully understand or shift a behavior. It's a helpful guide-but not a substitute for a licensed therapist's expertise.
Practical communication tips
Here are some ways you can foster a more supportive and productive dialogue with your mom:
1. Choose the right moment. Find a time when you are both calm and not rushed. Timing sets the tone for connection.
2. Use "I" statements. Focus on your perspective rather than placing blame. Saying "I've noticed you seem more tired lately" feels less accusatory than "You never have energy."
3. Ask open-ended questions. Invite her to share. Try, "How have you been feeling about your daily routine?"
4. Lead with empathy. Acknowledge that aging may bring new and unexpected challenges. Let her know you understand and that you are there for her.
5. Practice patience. These conversations may take time. Stay open and give her space to process what's discussed.
6. Offer help, not criticism. Frame your observations with care, "I want to help make things easier for you."
7. Model the behavior. Demonstrate calmness, openness, and healthy coping strategies. Your actions can inspire her to do the same.
8. Set small, achievable goals. Help her break down changes into manageable steps. Celebrate successes, no matter how small.
9. Provide resources. Offer materials like books, articles, or support groups. For example, https://www.caregiver.org offers guidance for families and caregivers.
10. Praise progress. Reinforce even minor improvements. A simple acknowledgment can go a long way.
11. Create a safe environment. Let her know she can express herself freely without fear of judgment or confrontation.
12. Stay consistent. Keep communication open with regular, supportive check-ins.
Final thoughts
Each individual is different, so a combination of these strategies may work best. Approaching your mom with patience, understanding, and clear intentions can help preserve your relationship, while creating space for important conversations. It's not about "fixing" her-it's about walking the years of aging together, with empathy and care.
If you ever notice behaviors that may point to cognitive changes, depression, or other medical concerns, consider involving a healthcare provider or mental health professional. This journey is about fostering connection and support.
You don't have to go through this alone-and neither does she.
Karen Casanovas, PCC, CPCC, CLIPP is a health and wellness professional coach practicing in Anchorage. If you have questions write to her at info@karencasanovas.com.
